When it rains it pours...

Just after I wrote my last blog I tried to sleep. The word is tried.

I couldn't. I still had the urge to draw but with no drawing pad in sight, I decided the best thing was to write.

When it rains, it pours. Apollo has had enough of my artistic dormant state and has my mind running a muck more than usual. This came out of nowhere. What do you think?

Not ust another toy...

Another toy to play with
Back on the shelf it will go
Can't decide if she's worth to keep
Everyone of them wants to play with me
For me they're just all the same

Give me the doll I want to play with
Have only oe to call my own
I don't want to keep looking around
Just want one to call my own

Keep searchign for what i want
Looking but to no avail
Maybe she can't be found
Need to have her around

One day I'll find that doll
Perhaps today's the day
Questions of her whereabouts will be answered
Right when I least expect it.

Soon that doll will be in my hands
Trembling with fear, I will hold her tight
Unwrapping the paper and opening the box
Very carefully, I will unravel my heart.

Why did it take so long for me to see
"X" marked the spot, right in front of me
You were there in my blind mind's eye
Zany as it may sound, she was next to me all along.

Questions? Comments?

Its about a guy, trying to find the perfect girl. Perfection doesnt exist...but i guess only in the mind of the beholder.

Can't sleep...the clowns will eat me...

Only I would be this silly this early in the morning...hee hee

Anywho...What happens when you get the urge to draw at 3am and you can't find for the life of you, where in bloody hell you put your sketch pad? You write of course...Duuuuuuh.

I'm not an insomniac. I sleep pretty well throughout the night. But for some reason, i had to wake up. Its like I'm missing something. I should be doing something right now. Sleeping perhaps? LOL.

Should I pick up a book and read? Mmmm...nah. I dont wnat to read any of the over 200 books in my freakin' library. Probably because i need to draw and have no idea where that bloody drawing pad walked off to. So with that in mind...I'll be buying yet another drawing pad that will eventually run off into the netherworld when I'm at my most creative. Pffft.

Perhaps I should paint? I was going to set up my easel today...but not this early in the morning. I'm crazy but not insane :P.

So I think I have my day pretty planned out. Find drawing pens, coal and markers. Buy Drawing Pad. Visit Fairchild Botanical Gardens (must remember bloody camera). Go to B&N for book (must read something new, maybe Twilight, I'd like to know what the big fuss is about). Go to The Bar for free drinks from 5:30-7:30p (been wanting some beer). And who knows after that. Maybe that Art Gallery I was told about (did get an email about an exhibit of some sort tomorrow).

I think it will be a productive day. Hope everyone's morning is most excellent. I'll let you know how mine goes...back to sleep I go.

Happy Holidays? I hope so...

So It's the 25th of December...Merry Christmas to those who celebrate on this day. Happy belated Yule to my pagan folks. Happy 4th day of Hanukkah to my Jewish folks. Okay I'm done for the day.

I wasn't up to celebrating these holidays. I normally don't. My holidays used to consist of lots of family and friends especially when my father was alive. Then when passed away 16 years ago, they slowly diminished. My mom would work during the holidays at the end of the year and I got used to being home along. Then as I grew up and entered relationships, I always had someone to be with. That's not the case today. Even though my mom's still here, she works the same schedule.

I spent time with some friends on Christmas Eve. We all don't celebrate it like we used to; we are all from Hispanic cultures so its a custom to celebrate on December 24th, Christmas Eve. There was much reveling, much silliness and much drinking. If you notice the picture on top, that's my drink concoction. I call it, the Hialeah Sunrise, since I'm from Hialeah, FL. It consists of the finest vodka your little hands can get on, X-Rated liqueur (since we are all randy ladies) and a splash (or what you would consider a splash) of orange juice. Yummy. :)

Did you ever see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Remember how they gathered on the front yard to roast a goat/lamb on a spit. Well basically my family was the same concept, with family and all...just Cuban. I miss the roasting pig in the back yard with My dad and uncles and cousins gathered around the fire, helping to cook the pig. The women clucking away while preparing the side dishes. Kids running around running a muck. I miss that alot. Yet I avoid it like the plague because of the memories that come up.

I miss my father. I miss family that have passed. I miss my mom, even though she's here, but that she continues to work during the days where we used to really spend time together as a family.

Hope your holidays were wonderful and spent around those you love and care about. Have a blessed one!

Quick Reminder to Self

I never was much of a poet...or so that I remember. I was more of a story writer who's had...um..er...maybe um...10 years of writers block? :P

But I enjoy poetry. I just haven't done much reading (among other things) in a while. So here's something I came across I'd like to share.

My Declaration of Self Esteem

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it --

I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.

I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.

I am me, and I am Okay.

--- From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir

This glue is not strong enough....

Per Wikipedia:

A broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphor used to describe the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, through death, divorce, moving, being dumped, or other means. It is an extremely old and widespread metaphor, dating to at least the Indian Ramayana writings (400 BC - 200 AD).^[1]

Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a spouse or loved one, though losing a parent, child, pet, or close friend can also "break one's heart". The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest as a result of the loss. Although "heartbreak" is usually a metaphor, there is a condition -- appropriately known as Broken Heart Syndrome -- where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.

And then we have our philosophical point of view:

For many people having a broken heart is something that may not be recognized at first, as it takes time for an emotional or physical loss to be fully acknowledged. As Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson states:

Human beings are not always aware of what they are feeling. Like animals, they may not be able to put their feelings into words. This does not mean they have no feelings. Sigmund Freud once speculated that a man could be in love with a woman for six years and not know it until many years later. Such a man, with all the goodwill in the world, could not have verbalized what he did not know. He had the feelings, but he did not know about them. It may sound like a paradox — paradoxical because when we think of a feeling, we think of something that we are consciously aware of feeling. As Freud put it in his 1915 article The Unconscious: "It is surely of the essence of an emotion that we should be aware of it.' Yet it is beyond question that we can 'have' feelings that we do not know about."

I feel as if someone dug their hand in my chest...and ripped out my heart and have left my internal organs inside out. To be continued...

What's to come...

So um..yeah. I told myself I would write more...so I get back into the swing of things, writing in my BOL and BOS. And I completely neglected it..but here I am. Making sure all the pens have ink, my pencils are sharpened and I have plenty of paper. Anyone that would walk into my office would think I'm an office/art supply clepto, horder personamajig..if that's even a word.

I never had the chance to write about my adventures as FPG (florida pagan gathering) nor my weekend at Turning the Tides. I will definately put that into great detail very soon. All I can say about both events, was that...It was an amazing experience for me and I can't wait to this again. Its not every day that you get to commune with not only people who are on the same spiritual path but with nature as well. I can't wait till next year where I can do it again. I needed those two get aways.

For some time now, I've been slacking in my spirituality. I've been instable not only in that department but with my emotions and my thoughts. I've been feeling empty. And I've been meaning to change as well. I feel stagnant. I can't stand feeling that way. I have so many ideas running in my head; so many things i want to do, yet, I don't do anything about it. I'm tired of it. And of course i never do anything about that either...til now.

I have over exceeded the quota on analyzing my life and have been told its time to stop eating shit and do something with it. I'm going through my Saturn retrograde so there's much in store for me. Makes sense for the drastic changes that are occuring. Apollo is pissed off and I've made Artemis succumb to tears. I've failed as their child. They give me gifts and tools to use at my disposal and they're just rusting away. I can't do this anymore. I'm not a failure. And I refuse to be a failure in their eyes and in my heart.

Its all about me now. I shedding off my skin and starting a new chapter...lets see what happens.

Samhain Reflections: A time for change

Much has happened this past year. Most I will leave behind and some I will take on with new year. Unfortunately, I didn't have the Samhain I planned but I enjoyed it. I spent the evening passing out candy, reflecting on the issues I've encountered as well as the blessings and remembering my ancestors and loved ones that have passed on this year. When I woke up the following day, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of me. Off with the old, and in with the new.

A new friend, that I met this year and hope to spend more time getting to know her, had written about her reflections this past Samhain and feel the same way. Things happen for a reason. People change. You cant be the same person forever. One must evolve, and grow. I cannot be stagnant. I mourn the lost relationships but celebrate the new and those that are becoming stronger. I put to death my old ways and welcome change; positive change.

So how was your Samhain?

Testing...1...2...3

I finally dove into the world of blogging. Didn't expect to this, yet, I've been contemplating it for quite some time now. I'm trying to get the hang of customizing this form. I'm still not too convinced about this site. I wish I could customize the settings to my own liking and use templates w/ css files that I have. Until I figure that out, this will have to do.

So hello, salutations and bienvenidos to all who stumble upon my page.