Goals for the Year

So as I stated before, I'm way over due in the blogging. So I will make sure to keep up as much as possible. I used to write all the time, but you know how it is. You say you'll do it tomorrow and tomorrow comes and you postponed it and keep postponing till its 2 months later and you're still telling yourself you'll do it later. No more of that I hope...

Well here are goals I set at the beginning of the year. So far I have done much of them.

• Read More
• Pass all my college courses with an "A"
• Be more artistic and crafty
• Draw More
• Paint More
• Evolve in my spirituality
• Socialize
• Make New Friends
• Love without fear
• Be bold
• Be spontaneous
• Live Happily
• Dance More
• Expand my thought process and knowledge

Speaking of procrastination, I forgot to put that on my list. Less procrastination :)

I hope to add more or take away as needed to the list and the year passes along.

Hope everyone's afternoon is lovely.

Lost in Conversation

Yes I've neglected my blog. A good friend of mine just pointed it out to me >.>

Anywho, I actually wrote this yesterday but had posted it on MySpace. So I'm posting it here. I hope to be writing soon. Between work, college and being arsty, time has become an issue. I hope not to neglect my blogging for too long. Enjoy and let me know what you think?

.lost in conversation.

confusion

emptiness

lost in illusive conversations

maybe just a hallucination of some sort…

i’m trying to remember

but maybe I should forget

words that were exchanged

for fear of regret

was I heard correctly?

was I clear enough?

do you remember what I said?

probably not…

no reason to try

shouldn’t bother at all

next time I’ll remember

not to let myself fall

When it rains it pours...

Just after I wrote my last blog I tried to sleep. The word is tried.

I couldn't. I still had the urge to draw but with no drawing pad in sight, I decided the best thing was to write.

When it rains, it pours. Apollo has had enough of my artistic dormant state and has my mind running a muck more than usual. This came out of nowhere. What do you think?

Not ust another toy...

Another toy to play with
Back on the shelf it will go
Can't decide if she's worth to keep
Everyone of them wants to play with me
For me they're just all the same

Give me the doll I want to play with
Have only oe to call my own
I don't want to keep looking around
Just want one to call my own

Keep searchign for what i want
Looking but to no avail
Maybe she can't be found
Need to have her around

One day I'll find that doll
Perhaps today's the day
Questions of her whereabouts will be answered
Right when I least expect it.

Soon that doll will be in my hands
Trembling with fear, I will hold her tight
Unwrapping the paper and opening the box
Very carefully, I will unravel my heart.

Why did it take so long for me to see
"X" marked the spot, right in front of me
You were there in my blind mind's eye
Zany as it may sound, she was next to me all along.

Questions? Comments?

Its about a guy, trying to find the perfect girl. Perfection doesnt exist...but i guess only in the mind of the beholder.

Can't sleep...the clowns will eat me...

Only I would be this silly this early in the morning...hee hee

Anywho...What happens when you get the urge to draw at 3am and you can't find for the life of you, where in bloody hell you put your sketch pad? You write of course...Duuuuuuh.

I'm not an insomniac. I sleep pretty well throughout the night. But for some reason, i had to wake up. Its like I'm missing something. I should be doing something right now. Sleeping perhaps? LOL.

Should I pick up a book and read? Mmmm...nah. I dont wnat to read any of the over 200 books in my freakin' library. Probably because i need to draw and have no idea where that bloody drawing pad walked off to. So with that in mind...I'll be buying yet another drawing pad that will eventually run off into the netherworld when I'm at my most creative. Pffft.

Perhaps I should paint? I was going to set up my easel today...but not this early in the morning. I'm crazy but not insane :P.

So I think I have my day pretty planned out. Find drawing pens, coal and markers. Buy Drawing Pad. Visit Fairchild Botanical Gardens (must remember bloody camera). Go to B&N for book (must read something new, maybe Twilight, I'd like to know what the big fuss is about). Go to The Bar for free drinks from 5:30-7:30p (been wanting some beer). And who knows after that. Maybe that Art Gallery I was told about (did get an email about an exhibit of some sort tomorrow).

I think it will be a productive day. Hope everyone's morning is most excellent. I'll let you know how mine goes...back to sleep I go.

Happy Holidays? I hope so...

So It's the 25th of December...Merry Christmas to those who celebrate on this day. Happy belated Yule to my pagan folks. Happy 4th day of Hanukkah to my Jewish folks. Okay I'm done for the day.

I wasn't up to celebrating these holidays. I normally don't. My holidays used to consist of lots of family and friends especially when my father was alive. Then when passed away 16 years ago, they slowly diminished. My mom would work during the holidays at the end of the year and I got used to being home along. Then as I grew up and entered relationships, I always had someone to be with. That's not the case today. Even though my mom's still here, she works the same schedule.

I spent time with some friends on Christmas Eve. We all don't celebrate it like we used to; we are all from Hispanic cultures so its a custom to celebrate on December 24th, Christmas Eve. There was much reveling, much silliness and much drinking. If you notice the picture on top, that's my drink concoction. I call it, the Hialeah Sunrise, since I'm from Hialeah, FL. It consists of the finest vodka your little hands can get on, X-Rated liqueur (since we are all randy ladies) and a splash (or what you would consider a splash) of orange juice. Yummy. :)

Did you ever see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Remember how they gathered on the front yard to roast a goat/lamb on a spit. Well basically my family was the same concept, with family and all...just Cuban. I miss the roasting pig in the back yard with My dad and uncles and cousins gathered around the fire, helping to cook the pig. The women clucking away while preparing the side dishes. Kids running around running a muck. I miss that alot. Yet I avoid it like the plague because of the memories that come up.

I miss my father. I miss family that have passed. I miss my mom, even though she's here, but that she continues to work during the days where we used to really spend time together as a family.

Hope your holidays were wonderful and spent around those you love and care about. Have a blessed one!

Quick Reminder to Self

I never was much of a poet...or so that I remember. I was more of a story writer who's had...um..er...maybe um...10 years of writers block? :P

But I enjoy poetry. I just haven't done much reading (among other things) in a while. So here's something I came across I'd like to share.

My Declaration of Self Esteem

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it --

I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.

I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.

I am me, and I am Okay.

--- From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir

This glue is not strong enough....

Per Wikipedia:

A broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphor used to describe the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, through death, divorce, moving, being dumped, or other means. It is an extremely old and widespread metaphor, dating to at least the Indian Ramayana writings (400 BC - 200 AD).^[1]

Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a spouse or loved one, though losing a parent, child, pet, or close friend can also "break one's heart". The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest as a result of the loss. Although "heartbreak" is usually a metaphor, there is a condition -- appropriately known as Broken Heart Syndrome -- where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.

And then we have our philosophical point of view:

For many people having a broken heart is something that may not be recognized at first, as it takes time for an emotional or physical loss to be fully acknowledged. As Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson states:

Human beings are not always aware of what they are feeling. Like animals, they may not be able to put their feelings into words. This does not mean they have no feelings. Sigmund Freud once speculated that a man could be in love with a woman for six years and not know it until many years later. Such a man, with all the goodwill in the world, could not have verbalized what he did not know. He had the feelings, but he did not know about them. It may sound like a paradox — paradoxical because when we think of a feeling, we think of something that we are consciously aware of feeling. As Freud put it in his 1915 article The Unconscious: "It is surely of the essence of an emotion that we should be aware of it.' Yet it is beyond question that we can 'have' feelings that we do not know about."

I feel as if someone dug their hand in my chest...and ripped out my heart and have left my internal organs inside out. To be continued...